If they weren't good to me then can't I just hit the delete button? I could tell him all the natural cures for anxiety but first shouldn't he help me with mine? He'll never come to the front door. I havent had a face for it in the last eight years so I don't know what makes me think I have one now. I bought a box of auburn hair color. I cleaned the whole apartment. I watched the first four episodes of season 4 of Dawson's Creek starting at midnight. I had Semiotics class tonight. This semester all my professors think that I'm stupid or maybe they think I am both lazy and stupid-- it is kind of hard to tell. It definitely hurts my feelings because I am that type of person who always wants to be adored by their professors without ever having to suck up. I want them to see through to my slacker genius one million literature classes since birth charm. But sometimes they just hate me. I imagine being them and I figure if I was them, I'd hate me too. Sometimes in the middle of class I want to burst into tears just so they'd realize that I was alive, a real human. But mostly I just sit there quietly for the first time in my life. Literature classes and I just keep my mouth shut because when I do raise my hand, no one calls on me. And if I happen to speak when no hands go up my opinion can suddenly become wrong.
I look at another neighborhoods and think about staying in New York forever. Other than that I want to move to either L.A, New Orleans, Portland, Charlotte or Nashville at the end of the year. It's a toss up. If everything fails and I lose my American Experience, I'll go to Italy and marry a native. I'll fake it. Whatever "it" may be.
I have started making valentines by hand. I want to send them to loved ones and strangers. Not classmates. Not universes.
All my thoughts are like someone has the blender going in my brain. I can't tell if I'm dehydrated or if I am having a bad week, though I am almost positive that it cannot be both.
